Planet Oasis Is Central Ohio's Bizarre Utopia

We need to talk about Planet Oasis.

If you’ve been on the internet over the past few weeks you’ve likely heard of this, but in case you haven’t, here is a video to catch you up to speed.

If you watched this video and you’re more confused than you were than when you started, you’re not alone. I’ve watched this video about 16 times and I still do not understand exactly what is going on. Before we really break down this masterpiece, which serves as their largest piece of marketing so far, let’s look at what Planet Oasis is supposed to be. I’m sure the About page on their website will provide a good mission statement or overall plan.

Oh.

Well, in case you want to check out their website, it's at planetoasis.fun. But be aware that almost everything on the website is “coming soon,” and let me tell you, I’m pumped.

Here's the thesis behind the place:

A major sports-and-entertainment attraction is coming to Delaware County, designed to draw visitors from a multistate region.

If the 350-acre project is fully developed as planned, Planet Oasis will be similar in size to the Kings Island amusement park near Cincinnati and will offer more than two dozen wide-ranging attractions, including a saltwater lake as big as 20 acres with a sand beach.

The $2 billion park, planned for a site adjacent to the Tanger Outlet mall on the east side of I-71, also is to include indoor skydiving, go-kart racing, rock climbing, an indoor water park, skate park, BMX racing, e-sports and other attractions. It also would have a wellness center, hotels, a conference center and at least 70 restaurants, ranging from fast food to fine dining.

“We call this the ultimate entertainment experience,” said developer David Glimcher, saying the “huge, immense” development can be hard to grasp at first.

We will get back to what this all actually means in a bit, but let’s talk about their video first, since that will likely be most people’s first impression of the project.

The opening slide is something to behold:

So we've got a huge concert venue, a medieval theatre, a massage parlor, and an outdoor mountain biking course, by the looks of it. On its own, this seems like a lot of things, but we are just getting started. Also, please make note of the logo, as we will touch on that later. 

"Planet Oasis is located in Ohio because it's the center of the universe!" 

I'm gonna call B.S. on that, just simply because it pisses me off. I love Ohio, but rural Ohio is not a destination point no matter how much you try to spin it. Let's keep moving. 

Okay, so while this may be factually true, so are... a lot of things? Kings Island is within driving distance of 100 million people too. I'm not sure what exactly is so special about this fact besides trying to convince people that this is somehow a good idea. (Also, the circle doesn't cover all the blue locations and it makes me mad.)

Stock images aside, 3 to 83? Are you not allowed to bring a 2 year old? What if you're 87 and just looking for a good time? Am I picking apart this way too much? Yes, but that's the point of this entire thing so deal with it.

So, a rollercoaster? What makes it an experience? Waiting in line for 3 hours for 2 minutes of entertainment?

What does this even mean? Also, I'm going to take a second to talk about the very liberal use of stock photos in this video. For a park that is going to cost 2 billion dollars, couldn't they at least have some renderings? Or things that show what the park is going to be?

Never mind. Go back to the stock photos.

This stood out to me. He said "One of our partnerships is Action Sports."

I spent a long time trying to figure out what on earth he meant by this and I've come to the conclusion that he was talking about the entire Action Sports genre as a whole. How they came to an agreement with something arbitrary beats me. Congrats to them on their partnership with bicycles and snowboards. 

This is one of my favorite slides from the video. The majority of these things sound like what I don't want to do if I'm on a vacation of sorts. Who wants a nutritionist on vacation? Not me. Might as well get my prostate checked while I'm at PLANET OASIS.

What is the thought process behind this? Also, I need to know what an Energy Doctor is, and if they can prescribe BDE. That is very important to me. 

We will get back to Lake Mirage later. I promise. 

This is, without a doubt, the funniest part of the video. They just took footage of Universal Studios and extremely poorly blurred out the giant logo in the background. Universal Studios would be one of Planet Oasis' biggest competitors, so using their footage to help sell your park seems like an extremely bad idea. Also, they definitely didn't license this which makes it even funnier to me.

My god this is all so stupid. Moving on. 

This dude talks for like 20 seconds about how everything will be "experiential" and once again this is just a more buzzword smoke and mirrors. Using the restroom is experiential if you want it to be. 

I forgot about this part!!! VR & AR EXPERIENCES! Only one of the things they show actually exists yet! Remember those videos that were "A Day Made of Glass" that Corning made like a decade ago? Still none of that stuff exists and this is all just showing stuff like that. This is so frustrating to watch and it's only 3 minutes long. 

This piqued my interest because I'm sorta an esports guy, and the more legitimate they can make the sport the better. But he says "We will make our own Planet Oasis team (ok....), and our own esports LEAGUE". I genuinely don't think they understand esports at all, and somebody just brought it up as a way to connect to the youth. 

Dawg, what? Why? Over 3,000 species? WHY?? You already have so much!

WHY????? At this point you're probably reacting like most people, asking how this is even possible. 

Ultrastar Multi-tainment Center sounds extremely made up, so I looked into a bit, and it turns out it's a real thing! Basically it's like you took a movie theatre, Dave & Busters, and a casino, shoved them all together and put it on a Native American Reservation. I have no further comment on this. 

WTF is VIP Bowling? What is the difference from regular bowling? I'm so lost. 

I'm actually very in on this. Laser Tag is dope. Good work. 

"You don't just play here, you get to stay here."

Shut up, dude. 

Alright. I know this is long but I'm fired up. The rest of this video is about how affordable it is, how great their team is, blah blah blah. I'm gonna get to all that. Let's back up a bit though. I have a few things I want to elaborate on. 

Oh, and this video looks like it was made by me at the age of 12 in Windows Movie Maker.

Lake Mirage

First off, what a hilarious name. The definition of "mirage" is, "something that appears real or possible but is not in fact so." 

If that's not the perfect name for a lake in the middle of a park that will never get built, I don't know what is.

Second, it is supposed to be a saltwater lake. There are only 3 saltwater lakes in the US, and I do not think any of them are man-made (fact check me on that, I may be wrong). That would make Lake Mirage the FIRST man-made saltwater lake in the US. Once again I ask, why? None of this is logical. Also, apparently they are planning a huge sand beach? Maybe they are trying to make a lake that resembles the ocean with only the worst parts of the ocean. 

Cost

This project is set to cost about 2 billion dollars. 

TWO. BILLION. DOLLARS. IN RURAL OHIO. 

That's a lot of money! Where is it coming from? Who is investing in this?? The short answer is I have no idea, and I hope nobody. But let's go into this a little more. Two billion dollars is a lot of money, no doubt. But let's say they get all this money. They have so many things to build and upkeep that I am beginning to think that that might not be enough. How insane is that? I just do not understand how this place could possibly turn a profit if in some alternate universe it actually got built. I need to talk about this next part now because it directly relates to the cost.

Location

They are planning to build this giant utopia in Delaware County, Ohio. The craziest part of this is that Delaware County hasn't even agreed to this yet. The company that proposed this, "Blue Horseshoe Ventures", showed up to one meeting, gave very vague details that nobody agreed to, and then announced it shortly after.

Glimcher says he plans to begin construction in December, with a late 2019 opening date for the first 40 percent of the development.

But Thom Slack, capital programs administrator for the Ohio Department of Transportation’s central Ohio district, said ODOT has not yet received the required traffic-impact study from the developers and has had only one meeting with Delaware County officials about the project.

They have no approval from any of the local government, state government, or ODOT, which all seem to be very important details to nail down before announcing something this huge. But who is Blue Horseshoe Ventures?

Blue Horseshoe Ventures

Blue Horseshoe Ventures is a six-month-old company founded by an extremely successful real estate mogul, David Glimcher. I really don't want to get into everyone on the team, as that isn't really the point of this, but for what it's worth, David has a good track record. He seems to know what he's doing. Which makes this even more insane. 

Park Layout

I don't really have much to add other than this looks like the type of thing you'd draw back when you were six years old and making your own amusement park. Also, the outlet mall being right there is also hilarious to me. 

Logo

I'm going to pass this over to my good friend Spencer Tuckerman, who you all may know. He's a graphic designer so he will have much better thoughts on this logo than I will. Spencer, the floor is yours. 

The logo is so bad it's good. I genuinely have Stockholm Syndrome because I think I love it, unironically. If you showed this to a design nerd without any context, I think they'd be unsure whether or not it was a bad logo or something super trendy. The gradient is fantastic when paired with the insane name of the place. I would legitimately pay money for merchandise with this on it. 

Press

In an article by the Columbus Dispatch, there are several interesting quotes that I'm going to pull out and discuss briefly. 

“We call this the ultimate entertainment experience,” said developer David Glimcher, saying the “huge, immense” development can be hard to grasp at first.

I really don't even know what to say about this. Apparently I'm not smart enough to understand this mastermind's grand plan, and this also sounds a lot like a Trump quote. 

“We live in a high-tension, high-anxiety world. This is an escape from the reality of everyday life. Whatever relaxation and enjoyment means for you, we have that. Even the dining options will be experiential,” he said.

I don't understand this dude's fascination with the word "experiential". He uses it more than any other word in all of his press. Also the irony of him talking about an "escape from reality" while discussing something that will never happen is outstanding.

In addition to offering services from massage and acupuncture to nutritional consulting, Yiannios plans to open a lab that could develop new treatments and supplements that could be brought to market, he said.

........What??? They gave Yiannios a lab?!

What is this place trying to be? I don't get it. At all. Maybe I'm missing something or I'm not smart enough to grasp all of this. They are trying to outdo Disney by curing cancer or something?

After a study is submitted, Slack said, a public comment period is required, along with a discussion of the timing and financing of any necessary road improvements. For example, the Tanger Outlet mall is contributing $10 million toward the first phase of I-71 work that will add a new exit less than a mile south of the Rts. 36/37 interchange. The start date for that work has been pushed back from 2018 to at least 2019, Slack said.

This project literally hasn't started yet and it's already delayed. I love everything about this. 

Berkshire Township Trustee Bill Holtry said the tax revenue will be a boon to local schools, which include the Olentangy and Big Walnut districts. Delaware County Commissioner Gary Merrell donned a Planet Oasis baseball cap and proclaimed to the crowd: “Let’s go.”

(A) I need a Planet Oasis baseball cap and (B) Lets. GO. 

“There’s kind of an arms race for these kinds of facilities now,” Kruse said.

Is there?

Kruse said Planet Oasis’ emphasis on edgy and up-and-coming sports such as BMX, surfing and rock climbing might be a good niche.

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Traffic

I spent a decent amount of time looking into this issue, and by that I mean reading a few op-ed pieces by residents of Delaware County. So far, they all seem excited about the job potential, but absolutely terrified of the traffic. ODOT is sorta notorious for having awful infrastructure, and I don't see how this is different. 

Let's say for a second this park gets made, and they get as many people as they want to arrive. The traffic would be an absolute nightmare as it is right now. It could take upwards of 15 years to actually make a system that would be viable and efficient. Hell, they've been working on I-75 for like 25 years and it's still congested every day. How on earth would this be any better? This seems like a massive oversight, at least in the initial plans. 

Pricing

One of the main things that he mentions in the video is how affordable this will be for anybody who wants to visit. I just don't see how that's a viable option with the amount of money they are putting into this to make it a "luxury" experience. This just screams Fyre Festival, but on a much larger scale. They can't seem to decide what they want to be. They need to figure out if they are going to be luxury or if they are going to be affordable. It's almost impossible to be both and turn a profit. 

Conclusion

This entire project is utopian, and it's fitting that the team that is working on it isn't living in reality either. You can't just make something this big in the span a couple years. This takes decades. I actually have nothing against the idea itself, it's all the actual plans to execute the idea that are awful. I'm sure these are all good people but this just seems like a disaster from the beginning. Would probably be best to call this off before it begins. Who knows, they may prove me wrong, and I'll be ready for @OldTakesExposed to call me out on it if they do, but I see no scenario where that happens.